You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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