a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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