I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
