I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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