I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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