The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
They took my balls.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
