Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
