Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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