I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
