Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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