I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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