I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
