Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
