This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
