I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
