please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
