The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
