we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
