mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
