I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
birth control should be required to get into college
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
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