She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
