If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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