but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
