you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
