Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
