I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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