I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
and she was petting her beer can
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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