i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
