nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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