i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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