so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
