Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
