I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
