Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
