i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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