who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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