I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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