Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
