I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
