Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
