Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
