weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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