Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
