is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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