If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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