I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
