Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
