So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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