The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
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