"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
