I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
