Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Randomize
