I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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