I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
