every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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